Open Letter to Callista Newt Gingrich.

Dear Mrs. Newt Gingrich the third,


I understand that your current endeavours have hit a bit of a snag with personnel, but I am delighted to hear that your campaign will continue on. In fact, I am writing to you to offer my services as Campaign Manager Entire Staff Including Administrative Personnel. You can rest assured that I am the right Dragon-King for the jobs, as I understand that the goal of the campaign has nothing to do with merely winning the nomination and the Presidency. This campaign is about Winning the Future with American Solutions *wink wink*. Indeed, all of America knows how Newt behaves when he’s under the stress of an important job and it’s in our best interests the name of the sanctity of marriage that I’ll do my best to ensure that situation never arises. Look at my resumee – I have nevar been part of a winning campaign!

Call me and we can discuss some of the creative ways and ideas I have for official campaign mailers and the potential of doing market research and targetted advertising opinion polling with matching campaign funds.

Yours,

Dragon-King Wangchuck

ImpromtE3

So I guess we're not still pretending to have been raptured.  Someone coulda left me a note.

E3 2011 wrapped up yesterday, and despite all teh leaks, it was a big 'un.  All three of the majors had big announcements.  Nintendo has a new console, Sony has a new hand-held and teh HaloBox has a new Halo.  Following are my Nerdlinger-style Improptu thoughts on it.  Get offa mah lawn.

First off, teh Question.  Who Won E3 2011?  Caveat, I am a Nintendo fanboi - but it's been a good coupla E3's to be such.  New console.  Nintendo wins.

G4's exclusive coverage?  Meh.  wev.  There is this though, Candace Bailey.  Man, some buyer's remorse has gotta be setting in there.  Not that Candace sucks - she's definitely brought her own influence onto AOTS.  Teh flagship show hasn't crashed and burned and she's doing an admirable job of hosting a five days a week hour of live teevees filled with PENIS jokes.  But holee molee she is tote not a G4m3R.  For the lead-in to the Sony conference, they had her stand there like a prop whilst Adam Sessler (G4's Elder Statesman) and Jessica Chobot (mmmmm Chobot) talked gaming.  Someone with a grudge against Candace must have set that up because wow she was out of her league.

Some observations about Chobot,,, uh,,, she,,, um,,, brb.

Uh, yeah - Chobot wins for her "Kojima is the Peter Molyneux of gaming."  That's funneh shit right there.  -1 however for being at the announce for a new Sony handheld and not,,, uh,,, well you know*.  brb.

Okay, where was I?  Right, Sony.  Okay, this is for all you "Hardcore" gamers out there - wow you guys suck.  Sony's had a pretty bad run coming into E3, so I understand teh need that Team Sony might have to play up any good news but PSVita?  I'm sorry but teh thing that's got teh "Hardcore" allupons is dual analog sticks on a handheld device.  Whoop-de-fucking-doo.  That there is not exactly innovative design.  It's not like the PSVita doesn't have any interesting new features (there's a touchpad on the back of the device!  An input that you actually can not look at while using!) - the big WIN apparently is dual analog sticks.  Fuck you "Hardcore" gamers.  Dual analog sticks are not enough to win E3.

While I'm bashing teh 'core gamers (or should I say lamers, amirite!) let's talk about teh new console.  WiiU.  Jesus fuck, drop it with the whole "DS on teh teevees" bullshit, it's not funny, insightful or even correct.  The thing opens up so many new ways of play.  You probably didn't notice during Nintendo's reveal, but they loaded that touchpad controller up onto a Wiimote gun controller - as a FUCKING SCOPE.  It's like teh ultimate 1337 SNIPERZ peripheral.  It's a touch-enabled HUD.  Incidentally, dual analog circle pads.  But I suppose that since they don't have tiny little sticks poking out, you "Hardcores" aren't interested.  Because it's not similar enough to UR tiny little penises.  IOW, you have small dicks.

Also note - when we Nintendo fanbois LOL'd at you for Sony's copycat biting with teh Move?  You pointed out that even if it was teh case that all teh Move did was turn teh PS3 into an HD Wii, that's pretty fucking awesome.  An HD Wii.  Well, yeah - you were right (and not only in teh bad proliferation of bowling games).  Only now - here's teh actual HD Wii.  Suck it Sony.

One other note for teh Hardcore.  Drop it.  UR smug sense of superiority over teh Casuals &c.  That's not teh market anymoar.  Not all people with Farmville plots only play Farmville.  There's probably someone in your clan that plays Angry Birds.  It's probably you.  That bullshit divide between Hardcore and Casual is what gives you Microsoft's approach to gaming.  XBox is REALLY REALLY interested in Kinecting with your mom Casual gamers and here's a new Halo.  That's not a press conference, that's class fucking warfare.

* UPDATE:  I guess some of you might not know.  Here's some video.


And I guess this is why not.

Homosex Rapture.

How you doing out there?
Ya ever seem to have one of those days where it just seems like you just can’t get your rocks off the way you like?
That despite all your careful planning and hiding from your wife, at the critical moment you just about run outta time.
Happened to me this very day.
Let me tell you about it!

Strutting to the toupee, all dressed up in drag
Protesting Big Gubmint, with my hairy teabag
Landing at the airport, you know that's my cue
I'm gonna meet the boys in stall number two!

Raptured from the boys' room
Raptured from the boys' room
Saint Peter don’t you feel bad about the new rules
But everybody knows that God thinks homosex ain’t cool.

Checkin' out the halls, makin' sure the coast is clear
Lookin' in the stalls, But pretending not to be queer
Oh, my buddy Ted is gonna bring some meth
I’m gonna have the smell of that cop on my breath!

Raptured from the boys' room
Raptured from the boys' room
Saint Peter don’t you feel bad about the new rules
But everybody knows that God thinks homosex ain’t cool.

All right!
Oh, drivin’ home from work or maybe the local bar
Sent off some texts and put on my fur
But at the moment of glory, I was caught up in the act
No sex for devout Christians and that’s my sad fact.

Raptured from the boys' room (oh yes indeed I was)
Raptured from the boys' room
Saint Peter don’t you feel bad about the new rules
But everybody knows that God thinks homosex ain’t cool.

Once more!
Raptured from the boys' room, woah-ho
Raptured from the boys' room,
Raptured from the boys' room,
Raptured from the boys' room,
Now, hear me, I am fully aware of all the rules
And traditions that say that homosex just ain’t cool!

Happy 2-4 eh?

Confession Time: I've been a bad lefty leftsist leftard.  They're doing construction on the commuter rail tracks I normally ride to get to the office.  On the way in it's not too bad, the speed restrictions just mean that I sit on a mostly empty train for twenty extra minutes.  Coming home though, my chances of catching the connecting train is zilch which adds 40 minutes of hanging about Union Station in rush hour to my commute home.  So I've been driving.  No car-pool either, just me, alone in the death-box, burning fossil fuel clear across the city (and, extra, commas, too).

Anyways, that drive basically goes straight across LEAFS SUCK which is usually a shitty shitty drive.  Not this morning though.  Monday is a holiday and a lot of folks have taken today off to stretch it to a four-day break, so traffic was a lot ligher than usual.  Should make up in part for the nightmare that getting home will be, when everybody left in the city takes to the roads to head out for the first cottage week-end of the season.

And on that note, some May 2-4 music (from teh eighties):

In His Defense, He's Newt To This.

Money quote:
He has appeared on Meet The Press some 35 times alone,,,

Also, too, possibly for Callista-philes a waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop link of note.

On The Road Again

Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina in the wee hours of the morning.  Other than being with my babby girl and her mom.

Anywho, thanks vs for teh shoutout and opening to revel in trite rhymes and bad meter.  Or you can blame SMcGILF (totes heterosexually, of course).

Some snippets:

Poetry, like your mom
Is easy.
Like the storm before the calm,
She rides me.
Your mom is easy.
And we're fornicating.
She is easy.
Easy like Sunday Morning-cating.

Left here for some reason
Perhaps your mom to be pleasin'
Left here for some rhyme
Your dad's ass is sublime,
But what's moar
Yer mom's the whore.

Your father's ass is a popular destination

For sex tourists with a love of degradation.
For the truly depraved, there can be no other,
Except for the whore that's your mother.

Anyways, thanks for the distraction.  I guess this round of insomnia is related to being conditioned to wake at around midnight - but I've a plane to catch in six hours, so I really must sleep.

Mother's Day 2011

I like to think of myself as an expert on moms and AFAIK, teh only thing that moms love almost as much as me is cute videos of cute babbys.  Ultra Ninja has cuteness in overwhelming quantities, almost enough to offset the fact that she also inherited at least some of my dorkiness.  Here she is LARPing: