Sputnik of the Union - DRINK!

via Rusty Cahoots
Just read that Mohammedan BOGUS POTUS HUSSEIN Obambi is going to talk about the FIVE PILLARS that he is going to implement during his State of The Union speech.

I'll give you one pillar - MC'ing.

My fellow Americans, the State of the Union is strong DRINK
Motherfucker is gonna be leading all night long
Yoo can't be bringing that shit in here
Bipartisanship DRINK, now drink your beer.
This SOTU is the go to I'll show you what to do Boehner
'Sup no boohoos while I bring on the Presidential voodoo
The economy is finally growing
The Dow is upwardly going
Foreclosures are slowing
People are knowing
The green starting to roll in
It's fiduciary hanky panky, mad props to Bernanke.
The State of the Union is strong DRINK
Motherfucker is on like Donkey Kong
Any geezers in here remember Sputnik?
Who fucking cares about Sputnik - the fifties, she is over.
But it's like a metaphor
To end this letter war
We need to getter more
My friends across the aisle DRINK
Let's put aside the vitriol
And have some alcohol DRINK
Your dicks are small
But we need to move forwar together you gotta push

The State of the Union is strong DRINK
Wait a bit while I take a hit from this bong
Something something entrepreneurs
Innovation is the secret to whores
And coke on demand
It's part of the plan
To revolutionize
Make a change nothing's strange
People people we are the same
No we are not the same
Cause we don't know the game


[musicality ensues]

What is the State is the Union? STRONG - DRINK
Motherfucker ain't nevar wrong
Check out my flow
We need zip to go
Clean energy you know
No more oil greed
With the sun and the wind and the appleseed
And don't be tools
Stay in school
It ain't cool
To be an illiterate fool
Right Tea Party People? uh....

The State of the Union is strong DRINK
And before I bid y'all a "so long"
The Deficit is Too Damn High DRINK
Touch the sky, we all gonna die
Before it's paid
So spending is daid
That's whut I said.
The cheddar don't get bettar
The cheese is gonna freeze
And also too DRINK a word about foreign affairs
They are hawt.

Sputnik! DRINK

God bless these United States of America


I'm Sorry Trig.

via McGravitas.

I aborted a couple of attempts at dragging out teh lulz, but a guy can only edit ORLY's unique visage so much before he must stop - so I was left with a some half-assed chintz that I couldn't make myself fiddle with anymore. That's when it came to me - some times (especially for n00bs like me) simple is best. Here are the words of inspiration:
What out retarded members of the media do? ,,,they started torturing my pictures to the point of me being unrecognizable. I am wondering how far this media retardation can go?

And with that, I apologize to Trig.


Love Thy Father And Mother

Someone would like to portray himself as the master.

Your dad grows potatoes up his bum,
About tubers, he thinks “Yum!”
Starchy anuses make him cum
But he’s totes vanilla compared to your mum.

The men who have fucked your dad in the ass,
Is a number that very few will surpass.
He’s been had by every Hairy Dicked Tom,
But still by fewer than have fucked your mom.

Your dad’s prostate is sore and bruised
From all the rough ways it has been used.
He’s a downright skanky old bear,
But a model of virtue considering ta mère.

Your dad, when he’s really in luck
Has Yorkshiremen give his butt a fuck.
“Luxury!” he screams as his ass gets raw
But he’s a prude compared to your ma.

Your dad eats shit for the win,
That’s why he has that grin.
But the frothy mixture known as Santorum
Is much better suited to the whore that’s your mum.

UPDATE: Yes, there's moar.

Your dad’s ass is wider than you think,
Wider even than your favourite link
It can contain multitudes and then some,
But not quite as much as that whore, your mom.

Your daddy loves guys on construction sites
To fill up his hole and his nights.
But while he fucks those men again,
Your mom’s playing hide the crane.

And your dad goes nearly bezerk
As those men go about their work,
“MOAR MOAR” he stammers,
As your mom rides the jackhammers.

All those men your dad has laid,
But it’s your mom that’s the one that gets paid.
Because all he does is scream for MOAR
But your mom, she’s the whore.


Sunday Audition: Official Hiatus

I know these faux op-eds have gotten rarer and rarer. My original intention was to have some sort of regular post thing that would keep me from ignoring teh blog for too long. That didn't work out all that well.

More to the point, Abe Foxman's pathetic condemnation of Sarah Palin has killed it for me. I am incapable of satire in light of the ADL statement. I mean, I suppose I could have come up with a more outrageous and hypocritical bit of justification (although it would have taken some serious effort) but I never could have matched the sheer obscene ridiculousness of it in context.

So I'm giving it up. At least for now. Some day I may come back to trying to match George Will's dishonesty or Richard Cohen's hilariousness, but I don't see that day coming soon.


Moqtada al-Sarah

4 B^4


Poems About d00ds with PENIS Issues

UPDATE: h/t to T&U for theme and jim for the structure of poem 2.


Hey baby, give me your number,
I’ll send you pics of my lumber,
Saying No would be the meanest
So, Sweetheart show me you’re keenest
To tease the panther from slumber.

Girl, don’t act like you are dumber
You know which pipe needs this plumber
Send me a text and the scene is
Sexily set.

So Sweetcheeks, I need your number.
My pants I will unencumber.
And soon what you’ll be seeing is,
Hi res photos of my PENIS
My thick and juicy cucumber.
Yours Truly, Brett.

Villanelle for a Villain

His was a tiny thing,
So he used his Glock,
In the photo with the red G-string.

He thought he was The King,
With his surrogate cock,
In the photo with the red G-string.

And he’d fap that ding-a-ling,
Into an ankle sock.
His was a tiny thing.

And while he caused suffering,
All his thoughts
Were with the photo of the red G-string.

What if words have no meaning?
His world was rocked,
His was a tiny thing.

So he went on a killing,
Over meaningless talk.
His was a tiny thing
In the photo with the red G-string.

Note: Line 8 in FavRondeau was fixxored after original posting.

Point of Clairfication

I do not, nor have I ever before in the past worked for the FBI.


For Smut

For Smut.

Once upon your mom I laboured, ploughing her the way she favours,
Our writhing bodies passionately entwined
While her ass I was busy tapping, suddenly there came a rapping
As of someone quietly fapping, fapping at our heaving behinds
"'Tis the audience" I muttered, fapping un-til they go blind
Flattering they're too kind.

Then your mom, so beguiling looked upon the queue and smiling
At the patient crowd standing neatly all aligned
"Though my snatch be shorn and shaven, you" she said "should stop that wavin'
"You'll need your spunk for when you're layin' so save that jism and don't unwind
"For it's on that milk of kindness that I'd like to dine,,,"
Spurt spurt spurt, quoth your mom "Nevermind."



A potential political assassination leaving six dead any more wounded and the first thing we hear from the right (after finding out the shooter wasn't brown) is outrage about how people are politcizing the event. It was a political event.

The second thing we hear is about how Loughner isn't a Tea Party d00d, he's a deranged psycho nutcase. In fact he ain't even a conservative! He's a pot smoking, flag burning, Communist Manifesto reading leftsist. (And Mein Kampf too, the most liberal lefty book written since Jonah Goldberg said it was).

There are actually delusional idiots who are saying that this is payback for Giffords' symbolic anti-Pelosi vote.

Nevermind the deranged rants about the Gold Standard. Nevermind the obsession with declaring anything he dislikes as being "not in the Constitution". Nevermind the Ayn Rand book also on his list. Clearly a leftsist.

These idiots are completely missing the point. Loughner is a deranged paranoid delusional. Possibly schizophrenic, possibly a host of assorted crazy, possibly a victim of the government's grammar based mind-control experiments. Anyways, crazy-go-nuts bonkers woohoo woohoo ooga booga boo. It doesn't matter if he's a conservative loonytoon or a liberal loonytoon, he's a demented individual.

Loughner's politics don't matter to the criticism being levelled at the voices of conservatism right now. The problem and complaint is that too many on the right have been wallowing in violent rhetoric - in responding to every last slight as yet another rallying cry for WAR! Tip of the hat to the apparently gracious Bouffant who seems to have a magic index card for the memory hole, and is reminding us all of what that rhetoric was.

When you use gun sights to target people, with the chant of "Don't Retreat, Instead - RELOAD" that says something. And to people who are suffering from paranoid delusions, it says something pretty large. Incidentally, reloading was what Jared Loughner was doing when he was finally stopped.

Don't kid yourselves conservatives. Go ahead and search all you want for the scraplings of violently angry lefty comments - the basic fact is that it's the right that constantly wallows in gun culture and mindless devotion to all things military and related to war.

But I'm a lefty liberal loonie. Free Speech is one of those important concepts for me. Maybe this is a good time to talk about what reasonable limits on that are, like yelling Fire! in a crowded theatre or libel or more relevantly, hate speech and the incitement of violent crime. But those are contentious points and society redraws the lines defining those categories everyday. Perhaps this tragic incident will put a bit more emphasis the line marking "incitement of violent crime". But I can understand how a rational person might see that as a negative, even now.

Instead, what I'd like to address is something that shouldn't be contentious or controversial at all right now. MBouffant again (days if not weeks ahead of me on this one) gets to the point. I think we're pretty much all agreed that Loughner is seriously mentally disturbed and could have used some professional psychiatric help and possibly pharmaceutical treatment. This attack clearly shows that providing treatment for mental illness is a societal good, it's a strong argument in favour of government funded mental health.

I admit that I am not a fan of Obama's final Health Care Reform package, but credit where due - mental health and treatment for addiction are both part of the Essential Benefits package. The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act has endorsements from the American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association Practice Organization, Mental Health America, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, and who knows how many others. In the wake of yet another senseless attack on civilians by a mentally disturbed individual, perhaps we can all agree on the need to treat these people, regardless of who's on the hook for the bill, before incidents like this happen.


Who Are You To Doubt What An Optomaloogest Thinks Things Look Like?

UPDATE: Herr Doktor has much sharper eyes than I. The embarrassing spelling mistake in the title of this post has been corrected to 20/20.

Steve Benen at Wash Monthly has a problem with Rand Paul's take on Jared Lee Loughner:
Rand Paul, in other words, isn't qualified to diagnose mental disorders by reading some stuff on the Internet. He shouldn't pretend otherwise.
I gotta disagree here. Rand Paul certainly is an expert on paranoid delusions.



My thoughts are with the people of Tucson, Arizona.

My Second Photoshop

At the rate I'm going, it'll be Raptor Jesus before spring! Anyways, my tribute to Mickey Mantle (yes, I know the bottle has feet).


Confession Time - Look How Nicely It Fits In My Hand

I guess folks who have been following my assorted rantings at Teh Mothership probably have a good idea of who I am, but I thought that perhaps I'd unload a bit more about who I actually am.

First, this is my glass - see how nice it fits in my hand!

Secondly, like a lot of other bloggers, I have a pet. A red eared slider that I wanted to name Little A'Tuin or Pin Hole Gamera, but he already had a name when I met him. This is Max:
He's ready for his close-up now.
Okay, maybe not.

Anyone still here? Well if you've been paying close attention, you'll know that I got married about nine and a half months ago. Your exciting new fact is that my wife's pregnant. We're probably going to beat vaccuumslayer to the delivery room by five or six weeks.

Finally, my first totally n00bish step on the road to lurning Photoshop has been taken. Here's a window to my soul:


Happy New Years!

1. Now that 2010 is over, I've got my first calendar year tally of posts. Ninety-two. So for 2011, I resolve to post marginally more often. I'm going to break 100 for 2011.
2. Generally, be AWESOME.
3. Lurn Photoshop, but only at an incredibly basic level. Enough to start pasting sammiches into images of random conservative bloggers and pundits. Considering how lazy I am, expect to see my first work of vandalism in December.
4. Do your mom.
5. Pull "I'm With Alison" off before Candace starts her gig. I'm still with Alison but there really ought to be a limit to WATB-antics. And Candace already has a steep enough uphill road to travel. Plus it's probably what Alison would want anyways, she's so classy and professional. BUT ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT ALISON WAS ROBBED.