ImpromtE3

So I guess we're not still pretending to have been raptured.  Someone coulda left me a note.

E3 2011 wrapped up yesterday, and despite all teh leaks, it was a big 'un.  All three of the majors had big announcements.  Nintendo has a new console, Sony has a new hand-held and teh HaloBox has a new Halo.  Following are my Nerdlinger-style Improptu thoughts on it.  Get offa mah lawn.

First off, teh Question.  Who Won E3 2011?  Caveat, I am a Nintendo fanboi - but it's been a good coupla E3's to be such.  New console.  Nintendo wins.

G4's exclusive coverage?  Meh.  wev.  There is this though, Candace Bailey.  Man, some buyer's remorse has gotta be setting in there.  Not that Candace sucks - she's definitely brought her own influence onto AOTS.  Teh flagship show hasn't crashed and burned and she's doing an admirable job of hosting a five days a week hour of live teevees filled with PENIS jokes.  But holee molee she is tote not a G4m3R.  For the lead-in to the Sony conference, they had her stand there like a prop whilst Adam Sessler (G4's Elder Statesman) and Jessica Chobot (mmmmm Chobot) talked gaming.  Someone with a grudge against Candace must have set that up because wow she was out of her league.

Some observations about Chobot,,, uh,,, she,,, um,,, brb.

Uh, yeah - Chobot wins for her "Kojima is the Peter Molyneux of gaming."  That's funneh shit right there.  -1 however for being at the announce for a new Sony handheld and not,,, uh,,, well you know*.  brb.

Okay, where was I?  Right, Sony.  Okay, this is for all you "Hardcore" gamers out there - wow you guys suck.  Sony's had a pretty bad run coming into E3, so I understand teh need that Team Sony might have to play up any good news but PSVita?  I'm sorry but teh thing that's got teh "Hardcore" allupons is dual analog sticks on a handheld device.  Whoop-de-fucking-doo.  That there is not exactly innovative design.  It's not like the PSVita doesn't have any interesting new features (there's a touchpad on the back of the device!  An input that you actually can not look at while using!) - the big WIN apparently is dual analog sticks.  Fuck you "Hardcore" gamers.  Dual analog sticks are not enough to win E3.

While I'm bashing teh 'core gamers (or should I say lamers, amirite!) let's talk about teh new console.  WiiU.  Jesus fuck, drop it with the whole "DS on teh teevees" bullshit, it's not funny, insightful or even correct.  The thing opens up so many new ways of play.  You probably didn't notice during Nintendo's reveal, but they loaded that touchpad controller up onto a Wiimote gun controller - as a FUCKING SCOPE.  It's like teh ultimate 1337 SNIPERZ peripheral.  It's a touch-enabled HUD.  Incidentally, dual analog circle pads.  But I suppose that since they don't have tiny little sticks poking out, you "Hardcores" aren't interested.  Because it's not similar enough to UR tiny little penises.  IOW, you have small dicks.

Also note - when we Nintendo fanbois LOL'd at you for Sony's copycat biting with teh Move?  You pointed out that even if it was teh case that all teh Move did was turn teh PS3 into an HD Wii, that's pretty fucking awesome.  An HD Wii.  Well, yeah - you were right (and not only in teh bad proliferation of bowling games).  Only now - here's teh actual HD Wii.  Suck it Sony.

One other note for teh Hardcore.  Drop it.  UR smug sense of superiority over teh Casuals &c.  That's not teh market anymoar.  Not all people with Farmville plots only play Farmville.  There's probably someone in your clan that plays Angry Birds.  It's probably you.  That bullshit divide between Hardcore and Casual is what gives you Microsoft's approach to gaming.  XBox is REALLY REALLY interested in Kinecting with your mom Casual gamers and here's a new Halo.  That's not a press conference, that's class fucking warfare.

* UPDATE:  I guess some of you might not know.  Here's some video.


And I guess this is why not.